It was quite the emotional day, as it is every year. We rejoice in her life and knowing she is with the Lord yet as her parents our hearts ache for her. Our arms ache for her. It's a pain that no one can describe. As parents you never expect to bury your child. You expect they will outlive you. You expect to watch them smile and cry and giggle and run and dance and get married and have children and the list goes on and on. But sometimes that just doesn't happen. Sometimes those dreams and expectations come crashing down around you.
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I am angry. I look around at a world of parents that kill their children, that neglect their children, that choose their own selfish desires over their children and I get angry. I'm not angry at the Lord. I'm angry at people who take their children for granted. And yes, I am jealous. Sometimes I see a parent that treats their child like dirt and I want to smack them silly, I want to tell them of the life they are missing out on but it doesn't matter because they won't listen.
I miss my daughter. I miss her like crazy. I am so glad that some day I will be with her again. I know she is well cared for. She is cared for in a way I could never even do. But of course as a mother, my selfish desire is to have her here with ME. With her daddy and her brother and her sisters. I wonder if she would have chosen the same theme for her birthday as her twin sisters did. They chose Hello Kitty this year and had a great party with friends and their great-grandparents that came in from out of state to spend the week with them. We kept those decorations up for her birthday and we have pumpkin cheesecake and sang her happy birthday. We sent her balloons. Doing the same thing we always do for her, to remember her by, to let her know she is not forgotten. Yet still, it never feels like it's enough.
We did receive a wonderful gift yesterday. A lady named Rachel, from the town where she is buried surprised us with a picture that she had taken of Kaitlyn's gravesite, not only had she gone by but she had taken flowers and a balloon. Something most people would never even think about brought a peace to my heart and tears to my eyes. To think, someone I barely know, someone who did not know my baby girl, cared enough that she went out of her way to bless us in such a way, a way that she probably didn't even realize would mean SO much to us, to remind us that she is not forgotten as parents fear. Being on the other side of the country from where she is buried is hard on us. I know, we know, she is not there, she is really in Heaven, but going to her grave just gave me peace of mind, well it's I think that I felt closer to her there, like somehow I could be near here. It's not something I can explain. Every time someone goes by there and takes a picture of her grave, it just means the world to us...
Happy 7th Birthday my sweet little angel...
